I wrote this about 4 days after my ex broke up with me so the emotions on this page are RAW.....and quite a bit of time has since passed.
So here it is, my heart aches, my heart is broken. This pain I am feeling I have never felt before. I have never loved someone who just doesn't love me back. I guess I've been lucky in that respect and I now know what it feels like to be left behind in this haze of love. But where you are going? And why don't you want to stay? I don't understand.
So, in order for me to process, understand, and ultimately move on I'm going to write. I'm going to pour my emotions onto sheets and sheets of paper and some of these will end up on my blog. Because writing is cathartic and will help heal.
No-one can really prepare you for heart ache. Although losing someone close to you is somewhat similar, I believe they're inherently different. That person is dead. There is absolute and utter closure. You will never see them again and you can mourn properly. When you are broken up with, you still, stupidly, cling on to that strand of hope - maybe one day.... perhaps if the circumstances were different....maybe when he realises how much he misses me..... Goodness knows I've done that with other loves and am trying my damned hardest not to do the same this time. IT'S OVER.
One tip I have for y'all - when 'the conversation' comes around, get everything out in the air, talk it ALL through so that not one strand of hope remains (although it's extremely likely you'll invent some...). He couldn't have been clearer with me "I don't give enough of a shit about you as I should". I even asked if there was any hope for the future - "NO". So no, there isn't. IT'S OVER.
That wont stop it hurting though because you cling on to what you had and you miss the person you fell/was falling in love with. You somehow, during the midst of the break up season (because it is a season and it will pass), forget the reasons you were even close to breaking up. Your memory decides to stick to the AMAZING times you spent together, it doesn't seem to want to remember the shitty, tense, emotional, uncertain times so it’s up to you to kick your memory into action and remember why it came to an end.
Gahh, it’s just so frustrating that the only thing to do is WAIT. TIME heals all. Well fuck you TIME, I want to heal NOW. Obviously you do the usual things – spend an insane amount of time with friends, keep yourself very busy, suddenly work became that much more interesting and facebook/twitter disappear from your life…. BUT time is the ultimate healer. One day I will be able to imagine kissing someone else, One day I will be able to give myself wholly to someone new, One day….one day.
This is all very raw for me and I swing from missing him, feeling his lack of presence in my life to feeling relieved I don’t have to put up with any more bullshit to wishing I didn't have such strong feelings for him and that he hadn’t left me hanging dry.
TIME PASSES
In a more serene moment I'd like to say that break ups also bring positive effects to your life so in a way I can thank my ex for walking away because, and this is not all down to our break up, I have since taken up new hobbies, cultivated old and new friendships, become closer to certain people and changed. Out of pain and sadness comes change. You will not stay in the same state of emotion forever. You may feel that it will last forever but it just won't. EVERY DAY is different. And tomorrow will come and with it change.
Through your season don't kick yourself if some days you feel like you're ready to move on and the next you're listening to a song that reminds you of him and burst out crying. It's a process and a slow one at that. Keep busy but also take time to process and think about your emotions. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason and so now is the time to take into consideration your feelings and emotions and let them flow over you. Process them and together with time, you will feel better, more connected to yourself and a stronger person - all cliches but all true.
Some people may ask why I've written and published this, well firstly because writing is extremely cathartic and has helped me immensely. Secondly because I believe that we can all learn from each other's experiences and listening to my friends experiences of heart aches has helped me a lot so I thought maybe this blog post would help some of you or at least let you know that we are many going through this kind of heart ache and that you WILL be OK.
S
